Sunday, July 27, 2014

Why I struggle with relating

              “Come on, it’ll be fun.”
In my experience, few words were ever capable of containing more deceit, more truth, more stories, more memories, or more boring hours. Here’s why. 

In the past, I’ve felt strongly that my definition of “fun” is uncommon for a few main reasons. The image of a social gathering late at night around loud noises, bright lights, laughter, music, sugary drinks, and excitement seems to be a popular one. Staying out late makes me drowsy. Both bright lights and loud noises give me headaches. Loud music frustrates me because I can’t hear anyone’s words over it, and no one should be speaking so loudly that I should be able to hear them over it. I don’t have a sweet tooth; in fact, I don’t even drink sweet tea. I feel crushed and analyzed in a large crowd. I generally despise texting. To top it all, dancing is not my forte.
 Many people look at this side of my personality and can’t possibly imagine how I ever have fun. They paint me in their minds to be a serious, under reactive persona who never smiles and doesn’t know how to loosen up. That image doesn’t look anything like the version of me that I know. This is, I think, the key to why I struggle with building a massive amount of friendships. I have my close friends, sure, but it seems like everyone I meet is the best of friends (or has some deep seated drama) with everyone they meet. Maybe that’s part of living in a small town. More likely, it’s simply a conflict between what I like to do and what “they” like to do. On that note, I’ve struck the golden center of a personality that seems thus-far detached and inhuman. 

What do I like? Small groups of people, sunlight in moderation, witty jokes, the music on quietly when I’m alone (and entirely turned off when I’m trying to converse), water, fresh fruit, honey on my pancakes, and face-to-face conversations, and either phone calls or letters when face-to-face isn’t attainable. That’s how I loosen up. Not by blaring the music, dancing, eating sweet food, or spending time with a crowd of people. I have a feeling that plenty of the people reading this enjoy a mix of things from both lists. I’m not entirely alone. 

What do I like? The answer is, the same thing that everyone else does. Except, I don’t prefer it served with a side of loud music and crowds. I love the same feelings that everyone else does, but I get those feeling from different things. For instance, I like the feeling that I’m loved. I get that feeling from talking face to face and surprise birthday parties, from friends coming over just to say hello, not happy birthdays from a wave of people on facebook or texts. I like the feeling that I’m not alone. I get that feeling from finding other people with similar interests, mostly church. Not from being in a crowd. I like feeling like I’ve accomplished something. I get that feeling from training horses, making a good grade, or running a distance/time pr. Not a team victory in a school sport where I rode the bench. I like unsweet tea; it’s what my taste buds prefer. I like adrenaline (a lot), but I can’t say with confidence that I’ve ever found it in a crowd with loud music. Snowboarding, yes. Jumping horses, yes. Being on a uncontrolled horse, yes. Jumping off of a high dive platform, yes. Water slides, yes. Even something like flying in a plane or having a crush on someone is enough to give me butterflies. 
I’d say “I hate drama”, but surely that’s not true. If I hated drama, I couldn’t have managed to finish Pride and Prejudice. My favorite thing is drama attached to a good story. I dislike hearing pointless he-said-she-said stories in highschool about relationships that will probably end (sorry). I like being at a wedding and hearing the stories about how the two met. I thoroughly enjoy asking elderly people about their childhood and what their philosophies are on life and love. Most of all, I like hearing stories; especially from my dad. He’s quite good at baited-breath stories. 

Now I can explain why I have a bitter sweet relationship with “come on, it’ll be fun.” The problem is that I always listen to that phrase. It’s good, occasionally. That’s the reason why I went snowboarding in the first place. It’s also the reason why I’ve made some serious mistakes, and the reason why I’ve spent a lot of hours in various places that I really don’t consider “fun”. It’s also a source of concern, because it’s a bit like my kryptonite. I’m relatively level headed in my day-to-day decision making (even though I make mistakes often), until that silly little phrase jumps out of nowhere. Yes, what I enjoy doing is different. Yes, how I relate to people is different. Yes, I’m emotionally stable. 
The fact of the matter is that I enjoy feeling exactly what everyone else does, but I find those feelings in different ways, normally. I have a hard time cultivating relationships sometimes because of those differences. However, once I find someone who enjoys relating with me the ways that I like to be related to, all bets are off and a whole lot of my walls fall down. 

I’m not trying to discourage anyone from relating to anyone, but certain relationship types aren’t for me, personally. A lot of types are though. Try different kinds of relation. Come on, it’ll be fun.

A secondary note on gossip.We fall sometimes. That’s ok. 
Fall into a good book.
Fall in love.
Fall out of love.
Fall asleep. 
Fall into a hole.
Fall off of a snowboard. 
Fall into anything real and of consequence,
 just don’t fall into gossip. 

Friday, November 1, 2013


  Looking back at my posts from nearly a year ago (oh my, has it been that long?), I remember how I felt. Everything seemed so utterly meaningless. But I kept hope. My hope was in God, and it was beautiful. So, in the words of this song, I "kept the fire alive". Even though there have always been highs and lows in my life, even though things have changed a lot, God carried me through a lot of it.

Grateful and blessed <3


Monday, September 23, 2013

People, Races, Hillbillies and school....

Today was awesome :) first and foremost because of the people involved. 
We won our powderpuff football game, which was a spectacularly close win. Second, the cross country meet was awesome! I continually beat my time which is very, very encouraging. I understand Hebrews 12:1 much better now. 
  Also, it was "dress like a hillbilly day" at school, so I wore camo and cowgirl boots. It was a nice break from the school uniform. 

  But the thing that topped today and made it spectacular was the people. I've made some great friends down here who I feel perfectly comfortable around. Rebecca, Cody, Pattie, Peyton, Braden, Mason, Leah: y'all need to know that you're awesome. And very important to me :) thanks for being spectacular people. 

Quick post for a crazy day :) 


Friday, August 30, 2013

Response to Article "If You Send Your Kid To Private School, You Are A Bad Person."

^ The Article.

\/ The Response

This is nonsense. 

First of all, it states "It’s simple! Everyone needs to be invested in our public schools in order for them to get better." 
"if every single parent sent every single child to public school, public schools would improve." 

The public education system does not work for every single child. Some kids learn much better from staying home, or attending a smaller school with a smaller classroom. Not to mention, if this article got what it wanted, and every kid went to public school, the numbers of children per facility would be exponentially increased. The issue is the failure on the part of the government to efficiently use the money designated for the schools, as well as their obstinate opinion that "everything is fine". It is much easier for children to be drug down by a terrible school than for the children to lift the school up and make it more prestigious. 

Want to fix this problem? Send a letter to a state congressman. Don't rant about it on Slate, or suggest such ridiculous measures that in your solution, every child goes to public school. 

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Team Rudolph

  Anyone who has seen me play traditional sports gets an idea of my capabilities very quickly. I am not Micheal Jordan, Lionel Messi, Troy Polamalu or Mario Lemu. Yes, these are all names I know. My point is that I don't tend to exactly shine when the ball gets thrown my way. Typically I dodge and hope there is minimal damage.While personally I know that my abilities lie elsewhere, these demonstrations of skill tend to make my fellow players wary in passing me the ball.... ever. Today I played with the Washington Street Church of Christ at a sports day. These people, even the ones who do not play competitively, play these games far more often than I do. I went with my cousin, and for the last few games of basketball, no one passed us the ball to the point that it became comical. We called ourselves Team Rudolph because, well, for clarification click this link.

  Sometimes it proverbially kills me to try to endure hours of team sports when no one will trust me with the ball, but at the same time it is a humbling experience and a lot of good can come out of not being the beast in a sport. Victors write the news and the history books, and I think often the guy who is cleaning stalls or striking it out on the basketball court overhears a lot of the victorious chatter. I like Iron Man 3 for a few reasons. First, the villain is cunning. More, the villain come out of nowhere. He begins a broke computer techie with big plans and eventually evolves into a villainous mastermind. The only reason the villain becomes a villain at all is because the good guy turns his back on him. Because the good guy failed to take an interest in what the villain had to say, the villain ended up ruthlessly demolishing both lives and property.
  My point in all this is to demonstrate the potency of faith in a fellow human and that fellow human's reaction to a lack of trust from others. If I'm on a basketball court and no one passes me the ball because I'm not a good player, I take it in stride because hey, it's just a game; but it makes me wonder how I would handle it if no one passed me a ball in the basketball court of life. Would I choose an aggressive path to yank the ball from their grasp, with not regard to the sanctity of their situation? Or, would I choose to wait patiently for the ball while doing nothing?

  As a Christian, it's important to keep practicing while I'm waiting for the ball to be passed.  This song, "While I am Waiting" by John Waller talks about "waiting" in our Christian lives. It's a powerful song, especially for young people. As a friend wrote:
"We often talk about our futuristic selves and wow! we're so patient, outgoing, hospitable, generous, and evangelistic. But if we aren't utilizing today to mold our hearts and abilities, time will creep up on us and we'll still be waiting on our new and improved futuristic selves to appear. God only gives us a day at a time -- it's up to us to make the most of it."

  I'll just close with that (: 

Monday, May 27, 2013

That's funny, you guys........ Not really.

  It seems like every time we move I get my hopes up for certain things. I pace off fields and woods dreaming of horses and cattle while my parents look on, watching my dreams formulate. After all, who are they to crush something when it is only in the daydream stage?

 The problem is that I've always wanted to put a horse on the property where I live, regardless of how good it would be for the horse or how well I could take care of it. So I've daydreamed, and it's always stopped there. Now we're moving to Tennessee, and I have 9 fenced off acres at my disposal and a barn that can easily be converted to a few stalls. Now I only have to wait to own a horse, so my fantasies have become a lot more real. I haven't let myself dream too much yet - I'll wait until we actually move down here until I start getting overly excited.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Beautiful Therapy

Today I learned about beautiful therapy - the power of love of beauty.

 Beauty in and of itself is not healing, but it often accompanies healing and is, perhaps, one of the greatest assets to "feeling better". Here's a quick summary of my notes on the subject:

Beautiful vs. Ugly. Ugly most certainly does not mean something that is physically ugly. Get in your mind and think of something that's ugly. Personally, murder and sloth come to mind. That's the kind of thing that consummate beauty can help with.
 "Here a beauty, there a beauty, everywhere a healing beauty."
- If you are surrounded by beauty, ugly things are easier to smother. Surround yourself with lovely things. Beauty varies per-person. 

 If you're in a rut in life, think about doing that thing that you love doing. Daydream and make beautiful things, because if you can change your mind into a beautiful place, you reap so much more from each moment. Everything is connected, everything is beautiful.

 Here's the thing. The physically beautiful things that I try to surround myself with are strange. During the session the speaker said that it could be a photograph of yourself doing a thing you love, or simply a very happy picture of yourself. Seeing "good" pictures of yourself is actually psychological therapy, while seeing a picture of anyone angry or confused (especially yourself) can cause a slight mental aggravation.

 Here's what I've done since that session;

 I pulled a laser-etched horse out of storage and put it on my window.
Made my computer background a picture of me on a horse.
Colored a glass coke bottle with a Sharpie.
Switched from conventional history notes to beautiful ones.
Started using colorful highlighters for bible study.
After the AP exam I'm even going to work on making my blog more beautiful.

I do not stress self-love. We don't have a problem loving ourselves. The main reason, the long term goal for therapy is to be able to love others and help those who need it. If our troubles emotionally impede us, we are not as effective in helping others.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Have you looked around?

 We live in a wicked and depraved generation. A generation where everything is comical and nothing is serious. What's the most serious thing you can think of? Demons? Outcasts? Oaths?
 All of those things have been turned into something comical by our generation! It quite honestly sickens me.

 Humor can be used in a beneficial manor. In fact, God gave us humor. He wants us to be able to laugh! Think about how sad simple existence would be without the giggle of a youngster or the laugh of an elderly lady. Also, humor builds bridges with people we otherwise would have nothing in common with.

 I think often, people say that God tells us to be serious constantly. The verse is often referenced "They will be judged for every careless word they speak." (Eph. 5:15-21). My interpretation of that verse is very different. We should *not* be filling ourselves with pointless or silly things. But there is room for clean humor. For instance "Once upon a time... there was salsa." is a pretty random and silly statement. It's pointless, so we shouldn't be filling our time with it, but occasionally it can break the ice and make people laugh.

 As for these people who say "I swear...", I wish they could see just how serious that it. Recently, I read a story called "Percy Jackson and the Olympians". It is a wonderful work of fiction, but one scene stands intensely in my mind. A scene where someone "swears" and it turns out to be a much bigger deal than predicted.


Comment issues.

I'm having issues with the comment section on this blog. Can anyone help me figure it out? Blogger won't let me reply to comments or even create new comments on my own posts.

Thanks for any help I can get!

Sunday, April 28, 2013

The one about approval.

 It seems as though the approval of other equivalent and persistently pessimistic humans puts our very morality at stake.
 If we were made to seek approval from others, we would die in spiral of unfathomable promises and decimated hopes. Like a cup of over-steeped tea, the bitterness could not be overshadowed by the honey of approval. Individuals who are, by all appearances, oblivious to the disappointment of the people around them put off a reckless air that they uphold with an outwardly invincible finesse. You know the type of people I've just described. They hold their heads proudly come hell or high water, and discipline, even of the most stringent sort, causes no apparent irreparable damage to them.

 I am never absolute on the best handling procedure for this type. I tend to ignore them until they drag my miffed expression into their tomfoolery. Now, these people, typically though not always male, vary in age. I'm reading the Harry Potter books to my younger brothers, and these young delinquents tend to blurt out spoilers such as "Snape's the half blood prince" and "Dumbledore dies" at no gain to themselves. Troublemakers like these who have only watched the movie and proceed to soil the experience for my brother make me twitch with indignation.