Once upon a time, many moons ago, back in a time where people were good, the women were fast, and the chrome was thick, people would go to a ski resort to enjoy themselves. I worked at this ski resort, as a lane attendant for the snow tubing lanes. Sometimes I'd waste hours walking on a treadmill, other times I'd sit on a snow tube & watch the sky, other times I did hundreds of pullups off the c
eiling to keep myself occupied. On special occasions I'd have the luxury of throwing fat bodies who melt onto their tube 30ft from the edge down a mountain to their occasional demise. Such times were truly what kept me going, and I scarce have better experiences.
One night I had the rather unfortunate yet interesting role of sitting at the bottom of the mountain and watching people plummet to their eventual stop, whether it be violent or uneventful. Me and the other guys working that position were telling old war stories of our various close encounters with the guests of this tubing mountain. People like angry guests, naked tubers, drunken customers, Unidentified flying fat abominations (UFFAs), and the like. One friend recounted his near death experience, another how a 400lb man got stuck in a net, another how he had his knee caps sheared off several times trying to stop collisions. We were bragging about who was better at their job, when some radio chatter buzzed into our ears... "Breakaway, Breakaway!" we heard. The one guy, with his stunna shades and slicked back suave hair and new shiny ski pants threw his head back over his shoulder and said, "Gentlemen, please. I got this. Watch and learn." Naturally, due to my skeptical and analytic personality, I figured I'd back him up, just in case he acted a fool. Surely a guy so eloquent in speech and smooth in style could handle himself, the others thought. I looked up the hill to see a big daddy separate from his child. They had been holding onto each other's tube, but the rigors of simply holding onto his daughters tube had proved too much, and he let go of her... They had a considerable velocity before the inevitable descent, so once they hit it the daughter made a quick shoot down. She came to a soft and gentle stop, where she attempted to sort of hip thrust to try and get out from the enveloping tube. Eventually she defied gravity and rolled to the side, and made an attempt to grab the lanyard which distracted her from seeing her imminent demise. Like a grand symphony, a series of events were happening all at once in majestic ridiculousness.
The father's weight was substantial. He was in or around a plump 300+ pounds, with varying reports of upwards of 600 lbs. Guys like him have a very gradual descent, at least initially, but once their potential energy converts to inertia, a weapon on par with the MOAB is spawned. So much weight was on the tube, that the ice beneath it was being compressed to the point of subliminating to gas, which errupted from behind his descent of death like a white volcano of ice, water vapor, and perhaps plasma. This subsequent vortex merely added to his aerodynamics, and exponentially his speed multiplied about 16.7x the speed of a fat guy falling down a hill, squared. A low slick rumble proceeded from him. Reports were that it was his face contorting due to the rigors of supersonic flight, or that the gravity of falling down the hill at such speeds compressed his lungs and super-heated the gas in his lungs, producing the supernatural sound, or it could have been the mechanical energy produced form the sheer weight and speed of his fat vibrating and hitting the resonance frequency of the snow tube. Either way, he was moving, and smiles quickly turned to looks of horror and fear.
I Looked at the Big boned baby basher plummeting towards his daughter, looked at the innocent, pink clad young girl no older than 4, looked back at the fat body, looked back at the snow bunny angel, and looked at the 17 year old fonz schlepping towards his death. At that very moment, I was forced to make a choice. I could back up the "bro" and attempt to stop the monstrosity that was beginning to shake the ground I stood on... Or I could run and snatch his daughter up like a bed intruder. I had to weigh the options, as I always do. I considered the young boy who would surely have his face melted from the super-heated gasses, at the very least, or perhaps he would contribute to the primordial soup which would coat 50 square feet. Or... I could resign him to his own fate, since he did brag that he "gots this" as any respectable human being would. Faster than a sow returns to her mire, or a dog to its vomit, thoughts turned to action.
I abandoned that kid and ran for the little girl, with the single hope that she could withstand the 6 G's fo force I was about to thrust upon her. I stepped off, snow and ice turning to water from the force of my feet exerting supernatural pressures. Time slowed down... my coworkers were stunned- unable to move, or even yell "look out!" Their faces grimaced and contorted as they realized their man cards were spontaneously combusting before their eyes. Paralyzed from fear, the best the did to help was turn sheepishly to witness the spectacle unfold. Legend has it that one of them let out a squeak indistinguishable from a mouse having it's head stomped on. As I forced my body to mindlessly run towards a little pink baby, which went against about every instinct I have, I observed my co-worker bro-hannah montannah squat down to catch the father and save the day. He got into a position like he was a mime sitting upon a horse. Low to the ground, ready to help and earn his money. He looked up and finally had the realization that he was a fool, and had bit off more than he could chew. He looked down into the depths of the fathers stomach, because his face skin was being forced back from the wind. I remember seeing for but a second a small mushroom cloud erupt just upon impact as the noob was impacted by big daddy. A shock wave came from them, like Goku going supersaian or Neo punching the ground, and I turned away just in time to save my eye sight. In that very second, I was sure I saw a flash of light and a smile upon that fathers face as it rammed through the noobs chest. I pushed with every muscle in my body, veins bulging in ways even body builders dream of. Seconds became minutes, and I jumped appx 19 feet off a birm, landing but a few steps from the girl.
In that moment, from the shock-wave, the smell of burnt flesh, or perhaps human instinct, she slowly looked over her shoulder. Her face wasn't that of a young child having fun, but of a naive, innocent, and curious girl merely looking to share her joys with her dad. In that moment I saw true beauty and obliviousness. As she turned, she looked up and layed eyes on what lay behind her... An suave, aspiring young man turning into chili, the tubing mountain looking like mount doom, me, mid air, racing towards her, and her father, bathed in blood, flying at her. In that moment, with so much happening for that young girl, the most she could do, all she could say, was...
...Daddy?
I snatched up that girl so fast I felt her arms dislocate from her sockets, and my foot was caught by a passing doom train of a dad in disaster as they blew by. I landed and placed the little girl down, and looked over at the travesty which just occured. I saw a red streak where my co-worker got pwned, a snow tube that had melted into the net and was steaming, and the father had easily hit 70mph and was wishing he'd had a Delorian instead of a snow tube.
The end. ish.
This story has been ingrained into my mind for the duration of my life, but now it needs to be burned into your retinas, so you can say that you've truly lived and seen it all.
Feel free to offer corrections to how the story happened, since the very fabric of space-time was fractured that day, it's hard to say what really happened.
One night I had the rather unfortunate yet interesting role of sitting at the bottom of the mountain and watching people plummet to their eventual stop, whether it be violent or uneventful. Me and the other guys working that position were telling old war stories of our various close encounters with the guests of this tubing mountain. People like angry guests, naked tubers, drunken customers, Unidentified flying fat abominations (UFFAs), and the like. One friend recounted his near death experience, another how a 400lb man got stuck in a net, another how he had his knee caps sheared off several times trying to stop collisions. We were bragging about who was better at their job, when some radio chatter buzzed into our ears... "Breakaway, Breakaway!" we heard. The one guy, with his stunna shades and slicked back suave hair and new shiny ski pants threw his head back over his shoulder and said, "Gentlemen, please. I got this. Watch and learn." Naturally, due to my skeptical and analytic personality, I figured I'd back him up, just in case he acted a fool. Surely a guy so eloquent in speech and smooth in style could handle himself, the others thought. I looked up the hill to see a big daddy separate from his child. They had been holding onto each other's tube, but the rigors of simply holding onto his daughters tube had proved too much, and he let go of her... They had a considerable velocity before the inevitable descent, so once they hit it the daughter made a quick shoot down. She came to a soft and gentle stop, where she attempted to sort of hip thrust to try and get out from the enveloping tube. Eventually she defied gravity and rolled to the side, and made an attempt to grab the lanyard which distracted her from seeing her imminent demise. Like a grand symphony, a series of events were happening all at once in majestic ridiculousness.
The father's weight was substantial. He was in or around a plump 300+ pounds, with varying reports of upwards of 600 lbs. Guys like him have a very gradual descent, at least initially, but once their potential energy converts to inertia, a weapon on par with the MOAB is spawned. So much weight was on the tube, that the ice beneath it was being compressed to the point of subliminating to gas, which errupted from behind his descent of death like a white volcano of ice, water vapor, and perhaps plasma. This subsequent vortex merely added to his aerodynamics, and exponentially his speed multiplied about 16.7x the speed of a fat guy falling down a hill, squared. A low slick rumble proceeded from him. Reports were that it was his face contorting due to the rigors of supersonic flight, or that the gravity of falling down the hill at such speeds compressed his lungs and super-heated the gas in his lungs, producing the supernatural sound, or it could have been the mechanical energy produced form the sheer weight and speed of his fat vibrating and hitting the resonance frequency of the snow tube. Either way, he was moving, and smiles quickly turned to looks of horror and fear.
I Looked at the Big boned baby basher plummeting towards his daughter, looked at the innocent, pink clad young girl no older than 4, looked back at the fat body, looked back at the snow bunny angel, and looked at the 17 year old fonz schlepping towards his death. At that very moment, I was forced to make a choice. I could back up the "bro" and attempt to stop the monstrosity that was beginning to shake the ground I stood on... Or I could run and snatch his daughter up like a bed intruder. I had to weigh the options, as I always do. I considered the young boy who would surely have his face melted from the super-heated gasses, at the very least, or perhaps he would contribute to the primordial soup which would coat 50 square feet. Or... I could resign him to his own fate, since he did brag that he "gots this" as any respectable human being would. Faster than a sow returns to her mire, or a dog to its vomit, thoughts turned to action.
I abandoned that kid and ran for the little girl, with the single hope that she could withstand the 6 G's fo force I was about to thrust upon her. I stepped off, snow and ice turning to water from the force of my feet exerting supernatural pressures. Time slowed down... my coworkers were stunned- unable to move, or even yell "look out!" Their faces grimaced and contorted as they realized their man cards were spontaneously combusting before their eyes. Paralyzed from fear, the best the did to help was turn sheepishly to witness the spectacle unfold. Legend has it that one of them let out a squeak indistinguishable from a mouse having it's head stomped on. As I forced my body to mindlessly run towards a little pink baby, which went against about every instinct I have, I observed my co-worker bro-hannah montannah squat down to catch the father and save the day. He got into a position like he was a mime sitting upon a horse. Low to the ground, ready to help and earn his money. He looked up and finally had the realization that he was a fool, and had bit off more than he could chew. He looked down into the depths of the fathers stomach, because his face skin was being forced back from the wind. I remember seeing for but a second a small mushroom cloud erupt just upon impact as the noob was impacted by big daddy. A shock wave came from them, like Goku going supersaian or Neo punching the ground, and I turned away just in time to save my eye sight. In that very second, I was sure I saw a flash of light and a smile upon that fathers face as it rammed through the noobs chest. I pushed with every muscle in my body, veins bulging in ways even body builders dream of. Seconds became minutes, and I jumped appx 19 feet off a birm, landing but a few steps from the girl.
In that moment, from the shock-wave, the smell of burnt flesh, or perhaps human instinct, she slowly looked over her shoulder. Her face wasn't that of a young child having fun, but of a naive, innocent, and curious girl merely looking to share her joys with her dad. In that moment I saw true beauty and obliviousness. As she turned, she looked up and layed eyes on what lay behind her... An suave, aspiring young man turning into chili, the tubing mountain looking like mount doom, me, mid air, racing towards her, and her father, bathed in blood, flying at her. In that moment, with so much happening for that young girl, the most she could do, all she could say, was...
...Daddy?
I snatched up that girl so fast I felt her arms dislocate from her sockets, and my foot was caught by a passing doom train of a dad in disaster as they blew by. I landed and placed the little girl down, and looked over at the travesty which just occured. I saw a red streak where my co-worker got pwned, a snow tube that had melted into the net and was steaming, and the father had easily hit 70mph and was wishing he'd had a Delorian instead of a snow tube.
The end. ish.
This story has been ingrained into my mind for the duration of my life, but now it needs to be burned into your retinas, so you can say that you've truly lived and seen it all.
Feel free to offer corrections to how the story happened, since the very fabric of space-time was fractured that day, it's hard to say what really happened.
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