“Come on, it’ll be fun.”
In my experience, few words were ever capable of containing more deceit, more truth, more stories, more memories, or more boring hours. Here’s why.
In the past, I’ve felt strongly that my definition of “fun” is uncommon for a few main reasons. The image of a social gathering late at night around loud noises, bright lights, laughter, music, sugary drinks, and excitement seems to be a popular one. Staying out late makes me drowsy. Both bright lights and loud noises give me headaches. Loud music frustrates me because I can’t hear anyone’s words over it, and no one should be speaking so loudly that I should be able to hear them over it. I don’t have a sweet tooth; in fact, I don’t even drink sweet tea. I feel crushed and analyzed in a large crowd. I generally despise texting. To top it all, dancing is not my forte.
Many people look at this side of my personality and can’t possibly imagine how I ever have fun. They paint me in their minds to be a serious, under reactive persona who never smiles and doesn’t know how to loosen up. That image doesn’t look anything like the version of me that I know. This is, I think, the key to why I struggle with building a massive amount of friendships. I have my close friends, sure, but it seems like everyone I meet is the best of friends (or has some deep seated drama) with everyone they meet. Maybe that’s part of living in a small town. More likely, it’s simply a conflict between what I like to do and what “they” like to do. On that note, I’ve struck the golden center of a personality that seems thus-far detached and inhuman.
What do I like? Small groups of people, sunlight in moderation, witty jokes, the music on quietly when I’m alone (and entirely turned off when I’m trying to converse), water, fresh fruit, honey on my pancakes, and face-to-face conversations, and either phone calls or letters when face-to-face isn’t attainable. That’s how I loosen up. Not by blaring the music, dancing, eating sweet food, or spending time with a crowd of people. I have a feeling that plenty of the people reading this enjoy a mix of things from both lists. I’m not entirely alone.
What do I like? The answer is, the same thing that everyone else does. Except, I don’t prefer it served with a side of loud music and crowds. I love the same feelings that everyone else does, but I get those feeling from different things. For instance, I like the feeling that I’m loved. I get that feeling from talking face to face and surprise birthday parties, from friends coming over just to say hello, not happy birthdays from a wave of people on facebook or texts. I like the feeling that I’m not alone. I get that feeling from finding other people with similar interests, mostly church. Not from being in a crowd. I like feeling like I’ve accomplished something. I get that feeling from training horses, making a good grade, or running a distance/time pr. Not a team victory in a school sport where I rode the bench. I like unsweet tea; it’s what my taste buds prefer. I like adrenaline (a lot), but I can’t say with confidence that I’ve ever found it in a crowd with loud music. Snowboarding, yes. Jumping horses, yes. Being on a uncontrolled horse, yes. Jumping off of a high dive platform, yes. Water slides, yes. Even something like flying in a plane or having a crush on someone is enough to give me butterflies.
I’d say “I hate drama”, but surely that’s not true. If I hated drama, I couldn’t have managed to finish Pride and Prejudice. My favorite thing is drama attached to a good story. I dislike hearing pointless he-said-she-said stories in highschool about relationships that will probably end (sorry). I like being at a wedding and hearing the stories about how the two met. I thoroughly enjoy asking elderly people about their childhood and what their philosophies are on life and love. Most of all, I like hearing stories; especially from my dad. He’s quite good at baited-breath stories.
Now I can explain why I have a bitter sweet relationship with “come on, it’ll be fun.” The problem is that I always listen to that phrase. It’s good, occasionally. That’s the reason why I went snowboarding in the first place. It’s also the reason why I’ve made some serious mistakes, and the reason why I’ve spent a lot of hours in various places that I really don’t consider “fun”. It’s also a source of concern, because it’s a bit like my kryptonite. I’m relatively level headed in my day-to-day decision making (even though I make mistakes often), until that silly little phrase jumps out of nowhere. Yes, what I enjoy doing is different. Yes, how I relate to people is different. Yes, I’m emotionally stable.
The fact of the matter is that I enjoy feeling exactly what everyone else does, but I find those feelings in different ways, normally. I have a hard time cultivating relationships sometimes because of those differences. However, once I find someone who enjoys relating with me the ways that I like to be related to, all bets are off and a whole lot of my walls fall down.
I’m not trying to discourage anyone from relating to anyone, but certain relationship types aren’t for me, personally. A lot of types are though. Try different kinds of relation. Come on, it’ll be fun.
A secondary note on gossip.We fall sometimes. That’s ok.
Fall into a good book.
Fall in love.
Fall out of love.
Fall into a hole.
Fall off of a snowboard.
Fall into anything real and of consequence,
just don’t fall into gossip.